Thoughts hit Surya like a ton of bricks. Thoughts that went in circles in her mind, no matter the activity she was engaged in. It wasn’t something hat came out of the blue. She was ruminating over many incidents that were unfolding in her life and all that rumination culminated in those thoughts. “I have always thought of myself as a low profile person. When others ask me how I am able to carry off tasks that seem so big to them, I wonder what I have done so different and so big!!! I just do what I think I need to, at that point in time. Am I really a low profile person or what I do or rather the way I go about doing what needs to be done, has made me a high profile person?” Thoughts that questioned what she thought of herself. Thoughts that shook her because it shook the very foundation of the way she thought of herself. Thoughts that made her look deep within herself.
For Surya this was a strange journey that she was taking – a journey into her own mind. Surya’s mind went over the many situations in her life when she thought she was ‘quietly’ taking up responsibilities, either because someone requested her to or because she thought she needed to. Many of those situations were ones that were contributory to someone else. as she looked back, she realised that even though someone requested her to take up a responsibility, she took it because she ‘saw a need’ – was the need to contribute to others, a need to contribute to herself?
When she took up a responsibility, she was in her mind clear about what needed to be the final outcome. Every step that she would need to take towards the final outcome, will unfold itself one after the other; though her own next step she wouldn’t know. Most of the times there was always a person who would know what she was marching towards. And what a march, it was!! One step after the other, steady and determined. It would seem as though every step was done with a clinical precision but only she would know the emotions that would run deep within her, as she encountered obstacles. She would know the emotions and the intensity of it, but she was astounded by the fact that all those emotions were held at bay quite unconsciously, till the responsibility she had taken up was completed. And then it would be time for all of it to be let loose, in the form of overwhelming tears. No pat in the back she would give herself, because her only thought would be “I did it for a cause.”
Every march came with its share of obstacles – from herself and from others. As Surya thought about these obstacles, she wondered what was it that made her go past these ‘seemingly mountain high’ obstacles and continue her march towards completing her responsibility. It was always the thought of “What should be done now to handle this obstacle?” As if like magic, the obstacle will have moved from her vision. It was not that the obstacle had gone, it is just that she had changed her focus.
As she delved deep into her mind, she realised that if someone had asked her how she was planning to complete what she had taken up, she would not have been able to give them a clear picture. She was sure of what she thought she should do but while the end goal was clear, all other steps were visible to her one step at a time. For many questions that people would ask her, her answer would be “I don’t know.” This answer would seem unbelievable, but for her it was the truth. All she knew for certain was what she wanted to complete. If what was unfolding as the next step was not what she anticipated the only support she sought to, was ‘prayers’.
Words that others would throw at her would faze her for a while but wouldn’t stop her march. Anyone who wanted to join to help her was always welcome but many times she would feel that she was marching alone towards what was needed to be done. Shining bright like that ray of sunlight which was light to some and blinding to some, warmth to some and scorching to some, Surya’s mind was whirring with many questions that she was asking herself, “Am I really a low profile person or by being the light, am I seen by others as a high profile person? Am I shining bright to show the light to others or am I the light that makes others shadows of themselves? Am I to be blamed if others feel helpless about seeing their own shadows? Should I stop shining bright? If I am meant to be the light for myself and thru me to a few others, by stopping myself from shining am I being fair to myself? If I am by nature meant to shine, who am I to stop myself?”
Surya knew that she had no answers to any of these questions but she also knew that time would help her to understand the answers; after all it was about herself she is seeking to know..